Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's not fair

Part of the reason why I'm so obsessed with discovering the whole truth about the circumstances of my conception and my biological paternity is that I feel the current situation gives my narcissistic social father an insane kind of power over me.

He is probably the only person alive who knows how I was conceived and - quite possibly - who my biological father is.

He knows something very important about me that I'm not allowed to know. I'm sure it's great fun for him to be able to treat me like a child in that way.

I have tried to give him a chance to tell me. I have asked him direct questions about their attempts at having a child and the circumstances of my conception.

His answers get more and more implausible and fantastical. Sometimes it seems like he's taunting me and flaunting it. The story changed from them trying for 12 years to only maybe not contracepting for a year or two, with variations in the meantime. The last time we spoke about it, he told a fairy tale of my conception that involved a romantic island in the middle of the Adriatic sea! When I asked him where my daughter got the red streaks in her hair, as none of his or my mother's ancestors had this, he flat out said, staring me in the eyes: "It must come from your husband's side of the family." I said no, I know even more generations of my husband's family, and reddish blondish hair has not appeared there. He repeated: "It must come from your husband's side of the family."

If my conjecture is true, I'll have connected the dots and found out all on my own. That would make so many things right on so many levels.

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