Friday, December 23, 2011

My father

Is most probably of a different ethnicity than most of my previously supposed family, but the same ethnicity as my mother's father. Which would make me 75% that ethnicity. I don't even know the language. But I look like "them" and have always really, really liked them and felt a sympathy and affinity for them.

I never imagined him or fantasized about him. It seemed useless. But I'll never meet him. DC wasn't part of any official system at the time. There are probably no records. The clinic won't reply AT ALL to even my most mildly worded emails ("I am wondering if donor insemination was practiced by your clinic in 1981 and if there are any extant records.")

And then one night I prayed to see him. And then I had a very vivid fantasy in which I managed to find him and he was a nice, warm, sweet man I look like a lot. Interested in literature or languages or psychology - it kept changing.

It was easy to see him as kind because he most probably received no money - it was a time before remuneration for donors.

And I felt peace and closure.

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