I have known for a while now that my father has narcissistic personality disorder and that this has impacted me in many negative ways. Connecting the dots and experiencing that "aha" lightbulb moment was very healing and liberating for me. However, I had a distinct feeling that a piece of the puzzle was still missing.
Then I was told by my aunt that my father was actually not my father. As soon as I allowed myself to actually believe that, everything started making perfect sense and my relief was total. The feelings that have been there for a long, long time, but always suppressed, were finally allowed to emerge. A cold, terrifying distance from my social father. A real love for my real children which I had forbidden myself from freely enjoying. And a deep sense of loss and yearning for my real father, whom I will never meet and whom I will probably never know anything about.
Obviously, I am not the happy poster kid for donor conception. My case may not be typical and my experiences not average. But that should not invalidate them. If anything, it should at least prove that not all families opting for donor conception are perfect loving families just dying to shower a child, any child, with pure unconditional love.
Because wanting a child does not equal loving that particular child.
Forgive me for being angry about a lot of things. This is my safe place to be angry. If my anger offends you, please stay away. This is the first time in my life I have been allowed to feel angry. The first time I have allowed myself to feel anything but perfect gratitude towards my parents.